Thoughts on Poly #1 – It’s Been A Long Way Getting Here

I have to preface this with a big acknowledgement:

I’m the luckiest fucker I know.

What I have is nothing to my name
No property to speak of
And no trophy for my game
Intangible and worthless
My assets on the page
My coffers are empty
Any offer of safety has faded away
But what I have
What I have is

On an ordinary day
The extraordinary way
You take what I can give and you treasure it
On an ordinary day
The extraordinary way
You turn to me and say, I believe in this

That makes me lucky
God, I’m lucky, so much luckier than I ever thought I’d be
‘Cause what I have (what I have)
Means so very little to this world
A promise that I kept and a bridge that I saved before it burned
The sacrifice that I made
Brought me to my knees
A choice that cost me everything and set somebody else free
But what I have
Is the value that you see in these things

On an ordinary day
The extraordinary way
You take what I can give and you treasure it
On an ordinary day
The extraordinary way
You turn to me and say, I believe in this

That makes me lucky
God I’m lucky, so much luckier than I ever thought I’d be
‘Cause what I have
Is the value that you see in these things

And everytime I forget those things you bring them right back to me

With your patience
When I’m blinding mad
And your passion
When I’m really, really bad
And your eyes
Taking in everything I am
And your body and soul and the way that you know
How I treasure you

On an ordinary day
The extraordinary way
You take what I can give and you treasure it
On an ordinary day
The extraordinary way
You turn to me and say, I believe in this

That makes me lucky
God I’m so lucky
So much luckier than I ever thought I’d be

On an ordinary day
The extraordinary way
You take what I can give and you treasure it
On an ordinary day
The extraordinary way
You turn to me and say, I believe in this

I have two incredible guys in my life, and every day I’m surprised at how good my life feels. I fully admit I’m lucky, some would even say greedy(Although them I’d tell to fuck off.).  But it’s taken a lot to get here.

Pooh and Piglet holding handsRecently Mulder and I were going… somewhere. I honestly don’t remember right now. But we were having one of those long, rambling conversation we’re so good at. We were talking about the wedding, and Hal, and our relationship history… and it suddenly occurred to me to ask him if he’d ever been honestly worried I was going to leave him for someone else. He considered it for a moment, and responded with the name of the first other boyfriend I’d had while dating him – a relationship that took place in 2002/2003. This made sense when I thought about it, as it was pretty concurrent with the beginning of our relationship, when everything was still very new. Shortly after that, he began to realize that he’s the #1 priority in my life – and while I certainly can and do love other people, and play around, I’m not going to do anything to endanger the life we’ve built together.

He further explained that he hadn’t since been worried about me leaving him, per se… but he’d definitely questioned the wisdom of some of my relationship choices, and I certainly had to cede his point – I’d done some serious breaking of Rule 2 and Rule 3 in the past, as well as a lot of unnecessary pining over “lost loves” and angsting over why I was poly.

Wisdom to fix, or at least sometimes preempt, serious rule breakage came with time, and the wanking over the why it all just became less important over time, as I became more successful at at least defining my image of poly(the “how” of the whole thing, I guess), and realizing sexuality is really messy and complicated, and nobody really understands it yet. And for me, poly and sex are pretty inexorably tied together, so… that works.

I’ve been attempting polyamory in various forms and ways since I was 17… so, nearly half of my life now. I’d like to think I’ve gotten pretty good at thinking about these issues, and articulating them. So, 15 years of “learning experiences” later, I’m going to be putting a lot of this down. I’m even toying with the idea of writing a book, but who knows. That’s a ways off.

Any initial questions from the peanut gallery? One thing I would like to do later is have both Mulder and Hal write about their poly experiences, but we’ll get there.

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1 Comment

Filed under Polyamory

One response to “Thoughts on Poly #1 – It’s Been A Long Way Getting Here

  1. Write a book! Write a book! Selfishly, I love books, and less selfishly, there need to be more books out there with these ideas for people who are questioning relationship paradigms to turn to.

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