Monthly Archives: April 2012

Catching up… a bit.

Wow. So, April happened.

I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet, but life has been insanely busy.

The PMP exam went well – I passed! The proctor at the Prometric center said it was also a record time, too… Heh. Good to know I’ve still got it. (After I took the GRE, I was dancing down Clark Street downtown…)

The furry con after the PMP was abso-fucking-lutely amazing. I went in with the intention of turning my brain off after that damn exam – I knew when I scheduled things that I’d either be consoling myself or celebrating at the con, and it was some great celebrating.

Things at Big Fuckin’ Food Corp. are… much the same as ever. I’m really looking forward to getting out of there. Unfortunately, I’ve been conditioned to loathe the jobhunting process with a loathing unmatched by anybody short of Mrs. White. So, I’ve been… taking my own sweet time about getting my resume brushed up. Sadly, however, I’ve only been able to drag that out for two weeks, so I start tomorrow. Mulder has started sending me job leads, and I’m going to be doing a lot of writing of cover letters. Yay! Or… something.

Speaking of Mulder… things with him and Hal have been, all in all, fantastic. I can’t help but think every day about how lucky I am. However, of course, things ain’t perfect. Hal couldn’t make it to the con, so I… found a very nice collection of gentlemen to entertain myself with while Mulder was off elsewhere. This ended up leaving him feeling neglected, and he didn’t tell me until after we’d gotten home, and it lead to this really long Conversation, and I was tempted to overreact, and… blarg. We’re OK now, and it’s good to have these things happen from time to time, but still. It sucks from time to time. Heh.

On the other hand, Hal is moving in with his primary boyfriend soon, and it sounds like they found a nice apartment. I still have no idea what’s going to happen in the future, but I love every second I have with him, and it’s gone better than every other secondary relationship I’ve ever had. The weekend before I took the PMP, Hal and I were tripping together, and went running around a park on a riverbank. It was absolutely magical, and it only cemented how lucky I feel to have him in my life.

And, on more abstract grounds… Thanks to my general disposition and a lot of therapy, I’m really prone to introspection, to what is probably an excessive degree. However, one of the things that’s given me is a very keen eye for what I tend to refer to as my emotional weather. I recognize what’s going on right now… A quote that’s haunted me ever since I read a fantastic novel at the age of 17 is from The Magus by John Fowles.

There comes a time in each life like a point of fulcrum. At that time you must accept yourself. It is not anymore what you will become. It is what you are and always will be.

While I think there always has to be room for personal growth and change, I think there’s a lot of truth in that quote – at a certain point in your life, barring major outside influence, your personality becomes largely fixed. However, there’s a lot that can be done with presentation. Furthermore, presentation tends to be sticky, both externally and internally.  However… there’s something about my headspace right now that would make it easy to change at least some things about myself – like the hobbies I spend time on, and just… my presentment to the world. And I’m spending a lot of time thinking about who I want to be when I get done with this next phase of growing up.

Man, I hope that makes sense… Otherwise, I might just be losing it.

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Thoughts on Poly #3 – How we do it

Mulder and I get the question with a fair degree of regularity – “How do you two do it?”

Sadly, there isn’t a clear, single answer, but I’ve thought about it a lot and I have some pointers for people.

  1. Read read read. There are a ton of resources out there, from the free and easily found to books. The bigger point here is: While every specific circumstance is different, the broad strokes repeat themselves. Someone out there has been in a situation you can learn from before, and poly people like to share their experiences, so learn from them. Especially their mistakes.
  2. Think think think. What is it you want to get out of your relationship, open, that you’re not getting out of your relationship, closed? Do you trust your partner enough for this? Do you trust yourself enough for this?  What form of open relationship do you want? There are lots of options, after all. How do you react when you get jealous? (And you will.) Does your partner even want nonmonogamy, or are they going with it out of desire for you? Do you realistically have the time, energy, money, and other resources to support an additional relationship? These and dozens of more are questions you have to consider.
  3. Talk talk talk. One of the biggest things you can do to make your relationship work is communicate, at an appropriate level of honesty, with your partner(s). And when I say the appropriate level of honesty… well. I reveal myself as an utter pragmatist. Total honesty is not, for most people, a good thing – an honest response to “Does this make my ass look big?” could be a real problem for your plans for that night. However, some questions, like “Are you in any other relationships?” or “What’s your STI status?”, do demand an instant, honest response. And a thousand shades in between. F’example, if Mulder ever asked “Have you ever broken The Rules?” I’d say no in a heartbeat. If he asked me if I could count the number of men, other than him, I’ve had sex with during our relationship,  I’d ask why he wanted to know. Not because I was offended by the question or anything, but the question would be very unlike him. (And incidentally, no. Unlike some guys I’ve slept with, an an ex of mine, I don’t keep records.)
  4. Think, then react. The first time you see your S.O. with their other S.O. (O.S.O.! How convenient!), cuddling and kissing, or the first time they spend the night, or the first time your girlfriend makes her best dinner for her girlfriend’s mom… Lots and lots of things can make you jealous. Or angry. You can’t control your emotions, and you must remember that. What you can control, however, is your reaction. You can ask yourself why you feel jealous. What’s threatening you? Or, more likely, what are you inadvertently perceiving as a threat? Then you can try to address the situation rationally, if any change is needed. (Of course, all of this is great in theory. It’s hard as hell at first.)
  5. Live your priorities. I love Hal more than I could ever tell him, but Mulder still knows that no matter what crazy drug-soaked adventures I might have with Hal, I’ll always go home in one piece to be with him. And if, as we’ve discussed… and discussed… and discussed… *cough* we do ever adopt, then a lot of said drug-soaked adventures would come to an end. Or at least be /severely/ scaled back.
  6. Love. That’s what the whole thing is about, right? It’s not easy, but holy balls is it rewarding.

Some books/blogs/resources I recommend:

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