Thoughts On Poly #2 – The Rules

So there’s this app called Scruff.

Homos, as always at the forefront of new technology in the pursuit of sex, have multiple smartphone apps for looking for nearby dudes. Scruff is one aimed at the gay market… And tonight I met with someone off that app for only the 3rd or 4th time. I’ve got a theory that apps like this are actually detrimental to the gay community, because they promote an attitude of “Oooh, I’m sure there’s something better if I look just a little longer!” And that’s why I’m so horribly unsuccessful on apps like that… Or I’m just horribly unattractive. Either way.

This guy… Was not a ringing endorsement of this method. His pic was very dated, he didn’t disclose some important personal details(like his HIV status or semi-recovery from meth addiction) in his profile, and he was either lying about his age, or he was real proof that it’s not the years, it’s the miles. And he’s been ridden hard and put away wet.

It got me thinking about the actual rules Mulder established for our relationship. It’s a remarkably short list:

1. Nobody HIV positive
2. Nobody illegal
3. Nobody who would harm our relationship.

And that’s it. Not bad, eh?

I don’t think that #1 is evidence of any HIV phobia or stigma on Mulder’s part, particularly. We’ve just known a couple of couples that were serodiscordant, and Something Happens every time. The plural of anecdote is not data, two or three is not a trend, etc etc. But his point stands – he’s making that rule out of concern for his health and mine, so it’s hard to argue.

#2 is the legacy of a time in my life when I had a significant taste for the younger-than-me. Not necessarily illegal, but… He just wanted to set a bright line in the sand, as it were.

#3 is really the most interesting. It’s also, in some ways, the most maddening – it’s incredibly broad, and basically left to my discretion. So I’ve had to watch for a lot of things before, including but not limited to Mulder worrying that I’d leave him(although only once) to guys determined to replace Mulder as my primary relationship, to a guy who got a little too creative with his recreational pharmacology during our relationship. (I might smoke a lot of pot, but I don’t do anything with powders – nothing up my nose or in my veins.) So I’ve had to do a lot of careful evaluation about the guys I even consider letting in my life. Thankfully Hal has been very easy in that respect… (And most others! *rimshot*)

Also of note is the fact that Mulder has seen fit to ban… exactly two people by name. One of them is a walking example of poly fail, the other was a douchebag of epic proportions who treated me like shit, but my self-esteem was so bad that any attention was good attention. (It wasn’t a terribly great time in my life. Bad meds…)  The poly fail is still in the general area – he recently contacted me to let me know his “tribe” is up to 11, which… I can’t even consider trying to attempt. And I(specifically I. There’s no One True Way To Do Poly) can’t think of it as poly… it just wouldn’t work for me. Although hearing about that did make me strongly think about my relationship limits and desires, and I’m about where I want to be right now – with one established, fantastic relationship, and one growing/thriving. Maybe I’d like a third some day, especially if he(huh. maybe even she?) is a submissive.

So… three rules, one basically defunct, one extremely broad. And two bans, neither of which is terribly concerning either. I think that’s pretty good, all things considered. And those rules have been pretty damn consistent over time, too… And we hit 10 years together in just a few more months… Yeek.